"Unlock the Magic.....The Art of the Oreo Cookie....."

     A whole blog post dedicated to America's favorite sandwich cookie? Seems a little over the top does it? Well sit down, relax and pray to God you have enough milk in the house. When you are done reading this you just might be dipping your way to happiness. I don't care how healthy I choose to eat, how many days a week I go to the gym, there is nothing.....absolutely nothing that could make me cut the Oreo cookie from my diet. They were my favorite when I was a kid and they will continue to be my favorite throughout my life. There is NO comparison in my book, and like any other food or consumable...there are rules. There's a system. You don't just rip the package open and start haphazardly dunking in a half assed manner. You have to approach the situation as though you are wooing the cookie into submission. It is indeed an art form.

     When I am "in the mood", if you will, for an Oreo binge, the process does not begin at the cupboard and the refrigerator. It's like picking a fine wine. (I've always said, if I make it big some day and I have the money to have an entourage of help, there is no way I could send someone to do my grocery shopping.....for a lot of reasons, but mainly because I don't trust some random stranger with the delicate task of picking out my Oreo's.)  Join me in aisle 7 at the grocery store, will you? The selection is about 3 feet wide by two shelves high and I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed. (Breathe Josh....breathe....) The selection process starts as I eliminate which type of Oreo I am NOT going to buy. To start, no single stuff! Over the years, as much as I love Nabisco and their interracial cookie combination (chocolate and cream), they have really started skimping on the single stuff, so I don't even bother any more. It's a mere suggestion of what the creamy middle should be. So my selection has narrowed. Regular double stuff is always a staple and it's usually where my mind is set. It's a glorious day when Ralph's has the 2 packages for $7.00 deal and its just enough to push me over the edge to buy two packages as I will save 18 cents from their original price of $3.59 a pack. (Obsessive much? Keep reading.) So double stuff for sure. I pull out the first wall of packages....the ones people have pawed over, dropped and drooled on..... and as I've learned working retail....freshest are in the back. I usually like the back of the shelf 2nd package down. Reason being, most people are lazy and the laws of instant gratification will consume them into grabbing the first pack they see. Secondly, if there is someone as crazy as I am, the very top package may be slightly handled and some of the cookies risk being crushed. With the second package down rule.....chances are, no one has even seen this package let alone fondled and mangled the cookies. Why not go further down people ask? Well because too far down, you have the weight of the other Oreo's on top and you chance crushed cookie syndrome. (Hey.....I told you it was a process.) Following the same procedure, I pick out a flavor that I think will accompany the plain double stuff and 90% of the time the mint Oreo's take the cake.......Mmmmmmmmmm cake......don't get me started. Thinking slightly health conscious I grab a jug of 2% milk (from the back of the refrigerated section), head to the cashier with excitement and trek on back home.

     Now comes the decision of how I will eat the Oreo's. It was an act of Congress picking the damn things out, you can imagine the thought process that goes into this. While I decide, I put the milk in the freezer to give it a quick chill and I contemplate my approach for the next 15 minutes. There are 3 main eating styles to choose from:

1.) "The Classic Dip" -  (And unbelievable as it may be, I do NOT unlock and eat the middle first like you see in the misleading commercials. The two components are meant to be eaten together and only a true connoisseur would know this and not follow suit on what the media instructs them to do.) The classic dip goes like this. One cookie.....dunk half of the cookie into the well chilled milk, THREE times. No more, no less. This will saturate the cookie just enough to melt in your mouth. Then flip the cookie and follow the same procedure always dunking half of the cookie so you have something to grasp on to and you don't get what I refer to as "Titanic Oreo", where it falls from your grasp and sinks to the bottom, (like Jack fell from Rose's grasp in the movie). If this happens, don't fret, you can enjoy the Oreo sludge on your last sip of milk with aid of a spoon and life will go on.

2.) "The Oreo Tube" - This is a style I coined on my own and I am pretty proud of. It's one of my favorite eating styles and there is much enjoyment to be had. You need a narrow glass. (I've found the glasses you can get from drinking POM Iced Tea work perfectly. They are the perfect circumference of an Oreo leaving about an 1/8" around the cookie for the milk.) Do you see where I'm going with this? Stack the Oreos one by one in the narrow glass leaving about an inch of space at the top of the glass. You can also do what's called "striping your stack", by placing a regular double stuff then a mint Oreo, then a double stuff....then a mint Oreo....and so on and so forth. Poor milk over the top of the stack and watch as your cookies bask in an embrace of chilled milk. Now get a spoon and start digging your way to the bottom. It's heaven in a glass.

3.) "The Oreo Bowl" - This style is for the health fanatic. I developed this while working production where consciousness to health seemed to be "a thing." Our company and many craft service tables on set would buy the 100 calorie mini Oreo sandwiches so as not to over indulge, and celebrities and crew could keep their waist line in tact......Yeah......grab about 3 or 4 of these fun little 100 calorie packs and empty them into a cereal bowl.....cover with milk and eat with a spoon in classic cereal fashion. Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Puffs got nothing on this!

     So, in closing, food is meant to be enjoyed. Take your time and develop an art for eating. Im currently working on a fourth Oreo style where you unlock two doubles stuff and make a quadruple stuff.....but it just seems like gluttony, and I don't know what to do with the two uncreamed cookie halves.....but in the meantime, I'll leave nothing to the imagination as to where I am headed right now.....Aisle 7 Here I Come!!!!!