"Just Call Uncle Lee....."

     Happy Wednesday Everyone! I am sitting on my patio enjoying the weather in Sunny California, sipping a nice hot cup of coffee and have been contemplating which direction to steer my blog today. There are a lot of national and world affairs taking place, a lot of which could use a good jab of comical anecdote. I promise that we will get to those eventually. Today, however, I am pulling a treasure out of the memory bank. I feel it's only fair, as I continue to poke the finger of fun at various members of my family, to indulge my readers in a bit of self deprecation to level the playing field a bit. To begin, I need everyone to keep in mind, at the time this took place.....I was 4, and yes I remember it like it was yesterday. I have no reservation in sharing this story with you, I am not embarrassed by it at all, but rather kind of proud at the milestone I accomplished one fine Spring day. Let's begin.

     There is a bit of prefacing that needs to be done before we get to the meat of the story, so bare with me. I hail from a large family, that is no secret. My mom is one of seven, and as kids most of my aunts and uncles lived in Endicott and the surrounding areas. Since then, they have moved to various parts of the country but at one point we were all one big happy family in Endicott, NY. We did our share of visiting the different relatives and I being who I am took note of EVERYTHING. Each of my relatives will have their time in the limelight so for sake of keeping this story somewhat short, the visits to my Uncle Lee and Aunt Joanne's house will be of pertinent information to the remainder of THIS story. At the time, they had a beautiful dog, a Collie, named Bub. Bub was a fun dog. I remember camping at the lake with my family and Bub was my personal water taxi. All I had to do was grab his tail and hold on and he would swim me around the lake endlessly. He never got tired. When we would visit their house, Bub was my companion before my aunt and uncle had the army of children they have currently. So upon our visit, my uncle knew that I would primarily be in the yard playing with Bub, so he felt the need to tidy up a bit. When we would arrive, like clockwork, there was Uncle Lee with a shovel cleaning up the many land mines Bub would leave behind. Not to get graphic, but this dog could "scatter the matter" in a yard like nobody's business. So this was a chore and not a very easy or fun one I would imagine. So my thanks to Uncle Lee for taking on the duty (pun intended) of making a clean yard for me to enjoy an afternoon of fetch and fun with my childhood canine pal, Bub.

     I think that should cover the necessary background information you need to understand why I saw no harm in what I did that warm Spring day. The flowers were in bloom, the sun was out and we were keeping busy in the yard enjoying the sunshine......Hey much like Im doing today! (Trust me, I wouldn't think of doing today what I am about to do in this story 28 years ago.) Our first house we lived in, well that I lived in, was on the corner of Watson Blvd. For those of you that don't know, Watson Blvd. is one of the main thoroughfares through our town. There are always cars whizzing by and people walking up and down the street. Essentially, NEVER a quiet and unoccupied road. So as playtime outside progressed, let's just say breakfast, brunch and lunch.....(Yes, I always had an appetite, even at the age of 4).....breakfast, brunch and lunch were moving through me and ready to be released to the world.....you have no idea how accurate that analogy is about to become. I'm not sure what came over me, or where the thought in my head came from but being a young boy, let's all just be real for a moment. Is it not the most gratifying thing as a young boy (Sorry girls, you may not be able to level on this one) to be able to shine skin to the wind and pee in the woods? Or whip it out at any given moment to pee wherever you are....within reason that is. Sure there is a bathroom within walking distance, but when the choice between an unappealing, static wall-papered bathroom or the option to feel the wind roam free over your extremities presents itself.....can I get a show of hands from all the guys.....whose gonna go with what's behind door number 2? Ahhhhhhhhhh Number 2.....which leads me to the next part of my story. So, Im feeling the urge and I decide right then and there, the bathroom is not an option.....it's too far away for the urgency that is upon me. I needed to take care of this right then and there. So I decide to drop the bomb.....right outside. Not behind a bush....or a tree.....or even kill two birds with one chocolate stone and fertilize my mother's flower bed. Nope! As I ran past our house, right past the back door (Hello innuendo) that practically led to the bathroom, I headed straight for the corner of North Arthur and Watson Blvd., proudly dropped my Scooby Doo drawers, and if I only had a newspaper at the time (or was able to read one at that age) it would have made things a lot more comfortable. Now picture this.....me, a 4 year old, in full squat, dropping missiles right on the sidewalk, cars are literally honking as they pass by. So....naturally I thought they were cheering me on. I just waved. Smiled and waved. Cue the old lady (no lie, I can tell you what she had on) walking directly on the other side of the street in awe. Just staring at me. Well for God sake I thought....give a boy some privacy....stop staring......didn't your mother ever teach you it's not polite to stare? Sheesh! So I gave her the one hand salute and wished her well on her walk through the neighborhood. I'm sure it was off to a good start!

     So I finish taking care of business, I even was able to sneak back into the house without anyone seeing me waddle half nude to the bathroom, where I should have been in the first place.....I know this now.....to wipe naturally (I'm not an animal) and get my clothes back to their original order. Then, taking a deep breath I march right back outside to play. I was so proud. Now....as a child and even still, I am not a good liar. I was proud in the moment, but when I got back outside and my father greeted me in the yard with "Hey, there you are.....where were you?" (Ummmmmm pooping on the street Dad, where do you think?).....No, I didn't say that. But I don't know if it was that look he had or the way he asked me where I was, I felt like he knew I was up to no good. So it was hard for me to hide it. I tried, but I failed. "I didn't do anything." I said. Well that's a death sentence as a kid. Saying you didn't do anything means.....I just shit on the sidewalk. So my dad asks me, "Where did you NOT do anything?" to which I replied....."In the front of the house! Gosh!" (Damn! Foiled! Devil!) So now comes the trip to the front of the house. (Well.....my second trip to the front of the house.) And plain as day my dad could see what I had done. "Josh! Did you do this?!" My goose was cooked, so I simply looked back directly into his eyes and I said, "Well......" Which as a kid means, (Yes! and I have no alibi or lie ready. I hadn't thought that far ahead.) So then he asks me, "Well who is gonna clean this up? I'm not cleaning it up! You better figure out how to get this mess off the sidewalk!" Now, I may not have had a lie ready as to why the mess was there, but I certainly had a plan on waste removal. I turned right back to my father, stared directly into his eyes and said, "Just call Uncle Lee....."