Hygiene.....Not an Option but a Necessity.....

     Some recent events have inspired me to write this little ditty with regards to hygiene. Unfortunately, the male species is a little more guilty of a lot of this, and I'm writing to hopefully inspire a little more attention to certain details to one's personal cleanliness. Now, don't get me wrong, I have encountered several a female with some of the same lack of attention to things like body odor, dirty hands and breath that if it was bottled and pressurized into a capsule, then launched to the Middle East, would probably clear up this oil crisis once and for all.  So with this said I won't generalize one way or the other, this is to men and women and how you are affecting those around you with your bad choices and laziness.

     Let's start with one of the world's cheapest and most abundant resources.....WATER. Sometimes, you have to stand under it, splash a little on your face, get friendly with it. Its OK. You won't melt. Hey I get it, if times are tough, wait for the next fall of rain and go bask in its glory without an umbrella. Save on the water bill. But honestly, this needs to be done daily. Some people will say, "Oh but my skin, if I showered everyday, it would dry up." Well, news flash....when you don't shower everyday, my nose wants to fall right off my face. This is unacceptable. Use lotion then, I don't know what to tell you. The only time not showering everyday applies is when you are camping....because you are living and sleeping outside.....like an ANIMAL. Everyday life requires us to be human beings.

     The next of the necessities is soap. This one is very important and another one not to be feared. Get intimate with it, it's fine. Your significant other will appreciate you cheating on him or her with the soap. Believe me, this is one affair you are allowed to have. And if you don't have a significant other....well..... then.....maybe you should really pay attention to what I'm describing in this post.  Rub it around your entire body. Spend some time with it. Make it worth it. And just for fun.....use deodorant afterwards as well. Go on! It'll be fun! Even if its a couple swipes. This one I understand people have allergies and such, but CVS has options. We've discussed in previous blogs the number of options that are available to us today. Go search. Find one that suits you albeit odor free, organic, or composed of tree bark and lemons.....I don't care. But when you enter public domain, try to think of others around you. The other day I was shooting pool, and the guy I was playing had 4 teeth, two on top and two on the bottom (hey symmetry is always nice), they were a shade of gray I don't think Crayola even has a name for, and the odor that came off of this man.....was so reprehensible.....how do I describe it? OK, it was as if (and use your imagination), it was as if a french fry, had an asshole.....and I felt like I had my head shoved up it! How's that?! Trust me, we are going to come full circle back to the teeth, but I want to spend a little more time on odor. Does one NOT smell themselves. I shower daily and if I sweat and get a little ripe, I can tell....within minutes, and I fix it! And how do you nicely approach someone and let them know? "Um excuse me.....do you work in raw sewage? No? Really? Well how DO you get that smell?" In my own words, the nicest way I think to say it is to pull someone aside and say, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness.....and you my friend have a long trip ahead of you before you see the light."

     This final segment I am going to group a few items together: teeth, breath and personal space. I was out the other night and was having a conversation with a husband and wife that apparently used the same blend of rotten meat and vinegar as mouth wash, and due to their drunkenness lost all consciousness of personal space. I mean, they should have just sat on my lap and told Santa what they wanted for Christmas. (Let's just say Santa suggests a dental starter kit.) What is with people that feel the need to be inches from your face to tell you a story. I can hear you, there is no reason I can think of that your mouth needs to be inches from my nose....if anything....aim for the ear. I don't hear with my nose. I smell with it, and right now I smell rotten egg salad and road kill. And what's worse than the smell? The little flecks of acid rain that are flying from their mouth as they continue to make you part of a conversation that can't end quick enough. And I have found subtle hints don't work. Like sliding away slowly like a casual low tide at the beach.....or turning your head to the side to expose only your ear and bring your nose to safety (this is when they will walk around you like a street post until they are face to face with you again. This one can cause dizziness if you keep spinning around for too long.)...or finally excusing yourself to the rest room and never coming back....sometimes does the trick but chances are they will find you, and appear out of nowhere and shout right in your face..."WHERE DID YOU GO?! Were you hiding?!" (Ugh! I was.....but you found me! Wooohoooo! OK let's play again....give me a count to 25 and I'll hide again. Ready?! Go? Olly Olly Oxen Free!......)

     Honestly, I'm not even sure how to end this. Maybe with a shower, or a few sharp spritz's of cologne? Or maybe one last piece of advice.....Lather, Rinse and Repeat are not just three words that someone forced together to sound pretty. They are ACTUAL instructions to making and keeping friends. I'm all about shortcuts and avoiding long processes. But this is one area that needs a little extra attention and avoidance of laziness. No witty pun to end this one on, no double entendre, just simply to those that do not take others into consideration the nest time they forget to suds up, rinse, swipe or brush.....well.....You Stink!