"The General Takes the Cake....."

     The title of this post may have people's imaginations wondering what extraordinary situation my mother got herself into this time. Was it a cake heist? Does she end up covered in cake by the end of this story? Well not exactly. Today's blog is dedicated to 55 years ago today, the world was blessed with the best mother....my mother Kathy. As we know her now, The General. She has, and always will be, the best in her own right, for her unconditional love and support, for worrying about us even when it seemed to be annoying and uncalled for; Mom was just protecting her pack. Obviously, the normal "mom duties" were never lacking, Carting us around, cooking amazing food and feeding us (which as you can guess was a full time job itself), tending to us when we were sick, going to bat for us when we needed help, being the loudest mother on the sidelines at our sporting events (Hey, she is the general), she's loving, caring, nurturing, sweet, kind.....and....uhhhhh.....CRAZY! This blog will not focus on one story in particular, but rather it will be a quick glimpse at some vignettes of insanity associated with my mother and why we love her so much. As a matter of fact....just now....in the midst of me writing today's blog, I just got off the phone wishing my mother a Happy Birthday. The phone call took the normal twists and turns I've grown used to over the years, but here is how the call ended. We were discussing my school loans and how I NEED to pay them back, and there's no getting out of them etc. I said to her "I realize this, I just need to find something steady before I can feel comfortable on a payment schedule again." And her response,..... "Well....or just hope the rapture happens before they come knocking on your door." I dropped the phone.

     While we are on the topic of phone calls, I have gotten used to the phone calls that are so            non-sequitur it hurts. It will normally start with me, "Hey mom! How are things?" (In a cheery mood at this point, ready to catch up and find out the latest happenings) "Well," she says, "Your father is scrap metaling and Im in the garden weeding. (seems pretty normal)....Have you talked to your sister lately? She's been so stressed, her acid reflux is kicking up again and she's been in and out of the doctors (ironically.....still normal).....Hey do you remember (Here it comes.....who died?).....do you remember a Debbie Clark? (And normally I don't remember the name so I say "No") Debbie Clark....she went to school....(Mom a lot of people go to school, I don't recall a Debbie Clark).....Debbie Clark.....(Mom saying it over and over doesn't make me remember it....I remember her from 5 seconds ago when you first said her name....Im starting to feel an acquaintance but I think it's just power of suggestion, I could be wrong...) Oh Josh, well her grandfather came into The Olive Garden today.....she's in intensive care....kidney stones, and not the good kind.....(Great! First of all....are there a GOOD kind of kidney stone. Secondly, now I feel like I need to pay Debbie a visit in the hospital and I don't even remember her, and third (thricely?), Im worried about kidney stones! (Yes my mother's worrying when we were younger gave us all a little case of being hypochondriacs.....some worse than others.) So I will generally try and steer the conversation back to normalcy before I get read the obituary section and ask a regular question like, "So how did Dad's team do in the playoffs?".....Her reply, "Oh Josh, he's been a basket case....you know how much stress the league is adding to your father? I told him, he needs to relax and take more time for himself. As a matter of fact I was sitting next to.....do you remember (here we go again...) Beth Allen? (No mom, the name doesn't ring a bell.) Oh speaking of bell....there's my timer on the stove, I need to get going to work....(But mom what were you gonna tell me?) Oh....well Beth's dog had to have his colon removed because of something in the dog food she's been feeding him...(Mom...did Dad win or lose? Is this going to tie in somehow? Im not.....following.....is dad's colon health OK?!.....) The phone call usually ends with me frazzled and then worrying I have an ailment or Im eating the wrong food.

     The crazy goes far beyond phone calls. My mother once stopped the car in the middle of the street in a panic, my sister and I in the car, seat-belted in the back not sure what was happening, so our eyes just watched in amazement as Kathy leapt from the car, nervous and panic stricken as she pounded hysterically on a stranger's front door. The woman answered the door with her hand over her heart, (probably because my mother launched her into a frenzy). My mom relayed her concern to this woman and informed her that she had better come right away....because her cat was stuck to the brick wall on the front part of her house. The woman's hand came off her heart and thats when I saw the look in her eye. The look that we've all given on several occasions....the look that says (Lady, how long ago did the train actually jump off the track?) The woman replies back to my mother, "Honey, that's fine. That's where the cat lives. It's drilled into that wall.....it's a ceramic cat." *Sigh*

     There's the time we will NEVER let her live down. As a family we decided to gather around the TV and watch a movie and that night's selection was "Home Alone". (Yes.....Christmas time again.) Now my mother swears she stays awake for movies. But unarguably her head is nodding with the opening credits. The second time she watched "Home Alone", and made it past the first scene, she was beside herself that Joe Pesci was in the movie. (Yeah.....she was awake for it.) OK, so the first time we watched it, she was sawin' logs before the kid was left on his own while the family took off to Paris. Snoring.....through the entire thing. It wasn't until the classic scene when the mother returns to find him by the Christmas tree at the end and there is this glorious reunion between mother and son......(cue my mother's wake up call). None of us knew my mom had woken up. We were looking at the TV watching joyfully when off behind us came this garbled raspy voice from beyond....."Ohhhhhh sure.....leave your kid home for Christmas and then you come back and hug him.....Ya' BITCH!"....and as soon as the last word left her mouth, her head fell back on the sofa and she passed right back out. "Well mom seems to like the movie," I said.

     My mother's love, care and nurturing has never ceased. Although it was a lot different as a child being tended to than it is as an adult. A few years ago I was hit with a nasty flu through Christmas, (WHAT IS IT WITH CHRISTMAS AND OUR INSANITY?!) my favorite time of year and I was bed ridden. But there was mom, by my side making sure I had plenty of fluids and the necessities I needed to get back to recovery. Mind you, my aunt, (my mother's sister, we will discuss the thread of insanity that the two share in a later blog), well she is the medical brain of the family, and upon consulting her she instructed my mother that I needed plenty of fluid, vitamin C, Pedialyte pops and plenty of sleep. I was severely focused on the sleep part of the diagnosis. My mother on the other hand, made sure that every 10 minutes I had a clementine in my hand. She would hover above my head just as I was about to drift off into sleep and when I opened my eyes I'd jump because I thought someone was there to smother me with a pillow. It was just her, thermometer in her hand...."Let's take your temperature", she said. (Mom, it was 103 fifteen minutes ago when I took it last time.....it's probably the same.) "Here's some water and a Pedialyte pop. Aunt Rosemary says you need your fluids." (Aunt ROSEMARY also said I needed SLEEP!) I honestly couldn't stand the thought of another Pedialyte pop. They tasted like sweat and Provolone cheese.....oh and grape. Yuck! But no matter how much I tried to sleep, Mom was there with a cold press on my head, Pedialyte pop in my face and a thermometer practically shoved up my ass for the best reading possible. She means well.

     The list can and will continue to grow and I look forward to sharing the insanity with anyone willing to read. But for the time being, and through all of the insanity, it goes without saying that we are truly blessed with such a wonderful mother. And today....the day of her birth is a moment to celebrate just how much we love HER unconditionally. You will always mean the world to me mom. We will always have our ups and our downs, see eye to eye and probably disagree as well. But one thing will never ever change, and that is how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I wish you the happiest of birthdays and if the world is ready for it, at LEAST another good 55 years of crazy. Now go and have yourself a wonderful birthday and a fun time out to dinner with Dad. But just remember if you pass that bull on the top of the Vestal Steakhouse.....stay in the car.....he's suppose to be there. He's drilled into the roof. Happy Birthday Mom! Muah! Hug! ;-)