Would You Like a TV with that Sir?

     I will start by saying I love my family very much. I wouldn't trade any of them for anyone. They are each their own character and over time you will get to experience each and every one of them through what I share with you. Now, obviously I can't share it all, but I can try and relay the comical depictions that are true accounts and will leave you shaking your head saying, "Now it makes sense. This explains why Josh is the way he is." Some of you may know my family and others....well....buckle up. Six Flags and Disney World combined couldn't put together a ride like this.

     My father, Carmen,.....where do I begin? 6'7" of pure unadulterated wisdom and hilarium all rolled into one lanky package. Lets rewind a couple months back to Christmas. Now, mind you, my father is one of the hardest people to Christmas shop for. He has more jeans and T-shirts than the Kardashian sisters have shoes. Every year we tell him, "Dad, carry a pen and paper and when you think of something you need, write it down for your Christmas List so you aren't fumbling for answers every year." But none the less, every year it's the same....."Uhhhhhhhhh......Jesus....I don't know. I think of all these things and then I can't remember them when you ask." (Hmmmmmm.....maybe you should write them down. Just a thought. Or maybe Ill get him pen and paper for Christmas.) So the fumbling continues and then we finally get some good solid answers out of him. You know what he wanted this year for Christmas? Only my father.....this was the list I got. Biscotti's, cheese balls, sesame sticks and cashews. What the hell happened to fathers wanting a hammer, or a new saw. I could throw in a dozen hot wings and I got Christmas and Fathers Day covered. So his Christmas list, closely resembled a shopping list for a frat house between bong hits. I guess it was better than the year he told us he wanted spinner rims for his truck. I was in awe. I wondered if he joined a gang, or moved to the hood.

     I found it hard to get in the Christmas spirit shopping for night time snacks so I went out on a limb and tried to offer suggestions. Do you need anything for your computer? He would reply, "No, I got enough sh*t in my computer area, I already can't keep track of it all." How about new slippers? "No, I haven't worn a hole through the ones I have. Hell, I haven't even duct taped the back of these ones yet." So now Im reaching for ideas. Beyond my price range but I figured if us three kids when in on it, maybe he would enjoy a nice new flat screen TV. I told him of my adventure getting a great deal at Target on a new 40" flat screen and a blu-ray player all for about $380.00. Little did I know where this was headed. He said to me, "Ohhhhh....well I got a TV already. I got mine for free." (Well how the hell did he manage that?) Let me indulge you.

     Good ol' Carmen goes through trucks, ironically, quicker than he goes through a pair of slippers. He was in the market to get a new truck. If you've never had the chance to sell my father a truck....well.....uhhhhh.....DON'T. Consider yourself lucky. This year at the dealership they do daily raffles giving away TVs and electronics to anyone that wants to come in, eat free hot dogs and sit in their lobby for the remainder of the day. So you can imagine the clientele that we are dealing with. My father doing his usual wheeling and dealing gets very close to buying a brand new truck from the dealer. What would put him over the edge and solidify the deal? Well, a brand new TV thrown in for free of course. He actually tells the lady at the counter as if ordering a #6 at Wendy's, "I'll take the truck sweetheart, but I need you to do me a favor. I want one of those TVs you are raffling off to go with it." She tells him, "Carmen, I can't do that. Those are prizes for our guests today." To which he replies, "Well then Im leaving. Call me when I can get the truck AND the TV." You see, my father, in his mind thought it was ridiculous (and now I kind of have to agree), that people who by no stretch of the imagination are there to by a car. Why should they get a free TV when he is purchasing a $40,000 truck? The pinnacle of this story is when my father is recounting this story back to me, he said to me, "Well I just find it ridiculous. I'm buying a $40,000 truck. Shouldn't I get a TV?!!!" I said, "No Dad.....you should get a $40,000 truck. That's like going to the grocery store and saying, listen, I just bought a $4.00 loaf of bread....shouldn't they throw in some salami and prosciutto."

     Well needless to say, I was wrong. In some twisted pattern of fate, when my father was at the dealership arguing with the poor lady behind the counter, I guess the guy who runs the dealership overheard what he was explaining to this woman. He calls my father and says the following, "Carmen, ya know, I went home last night and I thought to myself, Gosh, what an asshole. Then as I laid in bed your logic started making sense to me. Why ARE these people who aren't going to buy anything from us getting free stuff? I want you to come back in tomorrow, your truck is ready. And there's a present in the back of it for you."

     ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! He got his TV! He got his freakin' TV! Only my father would find a way to buy a truck and Super Size it with a new 42" flat screen TV off the lot. So that Christmas present idea was blown to bits and all I'm thinking is cheese balls and biscotti. To hell with it! Son of a bitch just got a brand new TV for free. He's getting snacks this year!

     Dad, you know I love you and I don't ever want you to change. Truth be told, you have taught me more than you know about some of the funny ways life works and have contributed a lot to who I am today and I'll never stop loving you for it. You truly are unique in the best way possible and I've enjoyed every minute of learning from you and gaining in your wisdom, albeit derelict and comical. Just do me a favor, when you finish reading this, I want you to start working on MY Christmas present for next year. I could use a shiny new pickup truck, something fire engine red with an extended cap and wide wheel base. Now I'm not asking for you to buy me a new truck, but I do hear Target has a sale on toasters. Get mom a new toaster and hell at that point, why SHOULDN'T they give you a free truck?!