Blackjack, Bras and Burgers

     Let's venture to Las Vegas, shall we? (This is where my mother will stop reading. I can just hear her. Jooooooosh.....Vegas? You don't have money to go there. You should be applying for jobs.....) Well mom, you can relax, this story takes place a couple years ago so just find it's entertainment value and keep reading. We can pray for my soul afterwards. :)

     So my buddy and I decided to take the 4 hour weekend jaunt up to Las Vegas. It was the middle of August, hot as hell and we were both itching to ditch the L.A. scene for a day and try our luck at the blackjack tables. For any of you that have never been to Las Vegas, as fun as it is, August.....probably not the time to go. It was so hot out, that on the drive through the Mojave, my lips chapped 45 minutes into the drive. However, the roads were clear and we made impeccable timing. What should have taken around 4 hours took me 3 hours and 20 minutes and we were on Frank Sinatra Blvd. Two blocks from our destination, Planet Hollywood Hotel and Casino. As they were building the new City Center, construction was at one of its worst I had ever seen. We literally watched the light change from red to green dozens of times before moving an inch. For the first half hour I remained calm....it's Vegas....nothing can bring me down. Well the next 45 minutes took that theory and shot the hell out of it. Do the math. 2 blocks....an hour and 15 minutes. That was more than a third of the time it took me to get from Los Angeles to Vegas. Not cool. I seriously considered parking the car in the middle of the street and abandoning ship. But alas, we made it. Checked in, grabbed a bite to eat and sought out our lucky blackjack table.

     Now, call me low class, but I feel no need to wager $25 a pop on a hand of blackjack, so I look for low limit tables. This kind of gambling to me is fun. You can play all night for the price of a movie and a popcorn and hopefully take home some winnings.....which I did. So that brings us to one of my favorite holes in the wall, Slots of Fun. $3 blackjack. Now I am not going to sugar coat this, or try and paint a pretty picture. This place always smells like someone farted their way through the entrance to the gaming area so again, this is no Bellagio. However, by the time we got there, waited for seats and started playing it was close to midnight. The crowd? Well you can just imagine.

     Two people we had met that night, Doreen and Russell. From Texas. They were in town to see the NASCAR race. From what appeared to be husband and wife, I later found out.....mother and son. Not gonna get into it, but none the less, there was high fiving when we got blackjack, hopping and hollaring at the table and a great energy. So in my book they were a lot of fun. Around 3AM, Doreen, in perfect redneck fashion, announces she is 'done near' hungry. "Done Near?" I asked. "Is that all one word? Spelling please?" She proceeds to reach down the front of her shirt, into her bra and pull out a pancaked burger. My jaw dropped. Im hoping fries and a coke aren't going to accompany this meal because God knows where those are gonna be pulled out of. As if nothing was out of the ordinary, she just starts eating it at the table. There was a good 5 minutes of staring, the blackjack dealer completely stopped dealing cards and I couldn't help myself....."Doreeeeeen! What the hell?! Did you just pull a Big Mac out of your bra?" Her son Russell just sat there. Probably wondered where his burger was and finally play continued.

     As if this image wasn't already singed into my brain, there was no forgetting what happened. Everyone who sat at that table from there on out was brought up to speed as Doreen piped from the table....."You guys missed it...about an hour or so ago I 'done near' pulled a burger out mah titties." And everytime I looked over at Russell figuring this has got to be weird sitting at a table with your MOTHER pulling food articles from her undergarments and telling everyone about it. Nope. He did not look phased by this. As a matter of fact it was like he was rooting her on and somewhat proud that his mother could make a blue collar meal appear like Houdini.

     Despite it all, we overcame what we had witnessed and played blackjack from midnight until 1 o'clock the next afternoon. I am not embellishing. I literally played through checkout and had to book the room another night so I could sleep. We watched dealers come and go, change shifts and return the next day. Oh the looks we got. "You are still here?!" some of them said. Now happily we all left quadrupling our money. I apparently was calling cards out in my sleep. "I need an Ace....gimme an ace....Zzzzzzzzzz...." I had to pull over on the drive back to L.A. as I saw images of the Ace of Spades and face cards floating by me on the highway. All in all it ended up being a really fun trip to Vegas. Definitely inherited a story to tell and it resulted in a pretty prosperous trip to the tables. Never judge a book by its cover folks. Two people that at first glance I thought to myself "Dear Lord these people are from another planet", ended up making one of the best times I had in Vegas. It takes all walks of life to make this world go 'round and you can learn something from everyone. Like.....how to keep a burger warm for 4 hours before you decide to eat it.......(Mom, if you made it this far.....I'll be expecting your phone call.....)